She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
