You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
