i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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