id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
