You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
