I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
