My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
