Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
