i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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