i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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