It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
