Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
