i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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