My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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