hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
