i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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