Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We are all done wearing pants today
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Success! We fucked roommates!
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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