Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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