ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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