i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
