Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
