I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
