her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
