you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
