so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
