there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
