I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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