My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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