You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I checked into jail on foursquare
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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