I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
