I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
