Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
