He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
