i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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