so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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