I cannot find my penis.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
