He is such a slut. More and more my type.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
