Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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