You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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