He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize