I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
