I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
