remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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