My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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