At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
