you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
