shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
high people should be assigned attendants
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
