if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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