All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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