How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
