Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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