my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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