I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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