I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
