You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Randomize
