We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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