My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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