Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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