All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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